Love Peace and Live

I am not going to go on ranting about it anymore.

I think it's about time to grow up and realize the world isn't a bowl full of Parsley Monster

Well, i am in Sabah now. Listening to Stone Sour :)

So Chinese New Year Is around the corner. I swear the holidays have lost all magic and sparks it once had over me. The saddest thing is that Christmas doesn't seem so magical anymore. Even New Year. Every year,.. It's now all commercialized!

The days have been good to me. Since i am not in labuan where I practically rot in front of the computer, my mind have been preoccupied with things to do in KK . I have my uni stuff to take care of and oh yeah, Classes are starting on the 23rd. So that mean i have to be in Perth before that. To be honest i really can't wait to start. My brain has been melting away.

I've been occupying my time by teaching myself myself German. I am a huge Hitler fan. Not his vision of course but Hitler himself. Someone so charming and influential that he practically had a whole nation eating from the palm of his hand. I remember when i was in the Model United Nation conference a delegate said " I think a country without a leader is doomed. Look at Hitler. He took over because the country lack guidance." Which is true. He utilize any opportunity he had. A great man Indeed!

Since My best friend is in Russia and God knows when we'll have the same break. I have to plan my holidays way ahead. I really want to go to GOA with May and Dar. But then May is leaving for the states in Sept and well Dar is again in Russia. Bali sounds really good too. But then again , Australia is practically a beach paradise so why not they just go there. Then again, i always wanted to go to Amsterdam which according to Dar it's pretty close to Russia. So like why the hell not. Sigh. Plans Plans Plans.

Sorry for my really lame blogposts lately. I'm not actually in my usual Love , peace and live mood. Been spacing out alot again lately. Not good at all. I guess this is how i get over it.

I will blog though more meaningful things again soon. When i feel inspired again. I have however bee writing again. Which is good.

Love Peace and Live.
Till next time

OHHAPPYDAY

Today went great though it started out with me having a hangover cause i took more shots then I should have.

:) Today was a good day. Oh happy day :) I felt so giddy.. I bought my red lipstick which goes super well with my newly dyed jet black hair and combine that with my new dress :) it will be super pwetty. I'm not vain or anything it's just that for a long time now i haven't actually cared how i looked and i swear i never look in the mirror cause that how unbothered i was. I look like a mess most of the time and i didn't even cared for shopping anymore cause it lost all meaning to me. I was constantly in my own zone, high and really not bothered. But today i woke up and i felt pretty again after a long time. And I realised that if there was one thing i should thank Parsley Monster for was that he made me realize nothing was wrong with me and that parents perception on their children are just fucked up :)

Actually there's many things that i should thank Parsley monster for.

Firstly, he actually made me feel normal. And i know that it sounds cliche but i really did feel out of place and all i wanted was to blend in. Sometimes you get so tired of being the odd one you just want to feel normal for abit. Secondly, he made me realize a few things about myself.. Urr... I want to have the option of not having an option. Thirdly, i guess he made me realise that sometimes it's okay to like someone. I know it sounds really dumb but i really really liked him. And he was the one guy i actually really had a crush on there. Lastly, that sometimes things happen and it's not my fault. Yeah it wasn't my fault. :)

I am just super happy today so he doesn't seem so bad.

So i just finished sky with Suraj and May. Cause they're so funneh and they help with the obsessing problem. Suraj is just like "Debra seriously stop! He's not worth it. Just don't bother" and May will be like " Debra you gotta stop man... laugh" hhahhahah... And then i'll be i know. I'll stop and the 20 minutes later i'll be like so Suraj did u see him today :P hahahahha....

I AM GONNA END THIS POST NOW CAUSE IT 4AM AND I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP BUT I ACTUALLY HAVE TONS I WANNA SAY SO I'LL JUST LEAVE YA'LL WITH THIS WHATEVER YOU SAY IT.

"YOU DON'T NEED A KEY TO MY HEART. JUST BREAK THE MOTHERFUCKING DOOR DOWN"

MUCH LOVE
PEACE

I THINK THIS IS GONNA BE MY NEXT INK :)

Gloomy DAY

Ain't no sunshine when he's gone .... And he's always gone too long.
And i know, i know , i know, i know
I should leave that young thing alone........
But ain't no sunshine when he's gone

I cannot express what i feel today. Because i myself have no idea what i feel.

Yes That song has been stuck in my head. That and Eric Clapton - Cocaine. Right now i think i should just sniff cocaine and get high or die of an overdose. No i am not sad about the whole Parsley Monster situation. No i am not being emo or over dramatic. Today is just in general a gloomy day. The air today feels weird. Not a good weird. A tense creepy weird.

I had a weird dream last night. My brother was doing somekind of deal with black Russian mafia . And i think one of the guy resembled a guy from college so i was staring at him thinking he was cute. SEE another sign of bad choices in man. I swear i am destined to marry a knock off version of Marilyn Manson or some drug lord or some shit like that. Suraj says that i shouldn't ever get married cause knowing me I'l probly get myself in lots of trouble. I think he's right.

Not gonna blog much. Tonyt I'm having a drinking Skype session with May and Suraj in celebration of results coming out and how bummed we are. I don't really care about mine cause bad or good my future is set .

I'm off.......
Peace out

Pentagrams and Jet black hair

Today I dyed my hair jet black :) cause i was sick of being a light head.
lol
Get it?
Cause my hair was a really light colour before

Basically, I have jet black hair and a pentagram ink. I'm turning out to be such a cliche. Now all i have to do is change my play list and start with the dark heavy make up . :P Which thank God i won't ever let happen :)
Why i got a pentagram? No not cause it's cool and all satanic and shit. I got it cause in the Pagan religion or in Wicca it's a symbol of protection :) That's why.


Today was pretty much an okay day. I am getting better and much more eager to go to Australia now. I just need a new view. A new direction.

Last night, i realized after two cans of beer anf a few ciggies this actually upset me more than I let myself actually admit. I never admit that cause i felt as though i have no right to feel that way anyways and it would just be soo stupid and getting all emotional is just soo weak and embarrassing.

The wall came down , i got invaded and then all he did was conquer and left the place in ruins. The wall never would have been down in the first place if he never said all that. I mean alcohol aside, i can deal if it was just alcohol. Cause I'm pretty much pro at the no emotional attachment game but no.... Heart beating and crap.
What i want now? An apology. Yes. And an explanation. Or at least have the decency to call and be like hey ya about that day here's what's up. Is that too much? Fuck you. I never even initiated anything. So yeah. I just got played. :O never thought I'd ever say that again. So yeah CONGRATULATIONS. Thank you. You now totally fucked up my trust issues again :) I swear. There's a pattern with the people i fall for.

I'm sitting here and i feel all anxious. I feel stupid, embarrassed and dumb. Plain ol dumb! Why? Cause I let myself get like this. I'm never head over heels for anyone. Even when i want to be i can't. And at the most unexpected moment and situation I end up like this. My head is telling me to suck it up and stop being fucking stupid. Every bone in my body feels like i should go and shout at someone. My heart is just telling me to call him uo and say hey what is wrong with U. I just feel so helpless and embarrassed and dumb. And i can't control it or help it. This is where my Capricorn side come out.

Untill i'm out of my rut. Ranting is all i'm gonna do. For now.

Hey MrMonster.
taco tard

Peace out.

I realized

But by the time we met
By the time we met the times had already changed

May always says that i look like i live in my own world and have my own thing going on. I never really thought about it until a few days ago and realised that she does have a point. I guess until recently my world consisted of me and only me but now the population went up a bit. I'm not ignorant to current issues, you'll actually be surprised how updated i am but i guess I'm sometimes soo deep in my thoughts that i don't actually care about everything else. It happens. I remember just sitting on my bed thinking for hours

Being in my own world means that I am very close to very few people. So when we hang out it always feels like there's this bubble we are in. I have a lot of friends but i have very few close friends. There's always a wall in the beginning but with the right people it goes down. Many people might view me as an open book and for a very long time i thought i was until i realize they only see the surface.

Relationship wise i am the same. That's why I don't actually get into relationship. Because (and this is not trying to be cliche) not many will get why i think the way i do . I remember the last one, we were constantly in this bubble and no one would get it.Even when we'd go out it felt like that. I guess that's why it was so intense. It's really hard for me to fall but when i do i fall hard cause you know, I let someone in to my world and when they leave you'll feel so vulnerable and broken. And i do give it my all... As all capricorns do :) Again i always do fall the odd ones. The thing is i never find my was,maybes and could haves odd though everyone else did. Cause no one is actually weird they just need a lil more time to understand than most people. I used to think Spike was my soulmate from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so it's pretty much set that I'm doomed for many tragic romance. lol

I guess this whole world thing started as a defense mechanism. Cause I got so annoyed with people telling me how to do things right and stuff and what's normal. So you know when your in your own world normal is what you make of it. And i am a very awkward person in general and as May puts "i have many akward habits and i tend to make situations more awkward than it already is", so it's nice not to feel different. I remember me telling my dad something and he said "how about try normal for a change"... I don't know how i turned out so different from my brothers... Lolz... I inherited all my habits from my dad....

So when you tired of not being like everyone else and you cant change , now you know what to do :)
Cause it won't rain if you don't want it to when you have your own place in your head

Recovery is going okay. I sense a relapse though
:(
oh well
Parsley Monster

Oh Parsley Monster ,leave ny garde alone. :(

Today I woke up with a rather shitty feeling.

I had this weird awkward dream about parsley monster. It's useless for me to write about it because it doesn't even make sense in my head. But there was this moment that stuck in my mind. We were in a corridor, the two weird spy people were leaving through the back and parsley monster was walking away the opposite direction. I remember standing in the middle really wanting to follow parsley monster but i was scared he'll be like what are u doing...? So i stood there and watched. Then as he turned to look back i looked into his eyes and they were this gleaming green colour , he gave this half smile from the side. And all i did was stood in the middle. All i was thinking was why am i not following him. So i stood there, gave a smile and then there was fog.

since it has been a long time since i actually truly had feelings for someone.

I only vividly remember my recovering process

This is pretty much it. I'll be in my own zone for a while, there will be many dreams, questions and there will be times when i think I'm over it but somehow it creeps back in and i am not. At which i will probably go and drown myself with a new book and fantasize about the hero oh and tons of my music. Eventually, slowly, i'll regain a sense of sanity and be alright!

It's a long and miserable process. But again i always said i embrace the pains of life. I guess it's just something i have to go through. It sucks but at least there's a lesson in all this. And hopefully karma will be nicer to me in the future.

The thing that does piss me off is the fact i am so emotional. I mean why the hell did i even get myself suck into this. I have to be more careful with people and their words. And the saddest part is that i could mean that little to him, and he is this enormous thought for me.

Love and all it's tragedies

I know it's been a while since i updated.

I am such a coward!

This is what has been happening lately.

Well, i went to KL for a week and just got back two days ago.

Why?

Because 1st I was completely head over heels for this guy. We will name him parsley monster . 2nd > May just got over a breakup and Azma's burd day was coming. 3rd to meet Suraj :)

We had like a goal for each of us . Her's was to end things (like really really really end) with the ex. Mine was to tell parsley monster how i felt. This would have been easy if i was as forthcoming as i am with my feelings as may or if may was not forthcoming with her feeling like me. It is really really hard for me to open up with this things. I know people see me and they think ahhh open book. I sometimes wish i was so i don't have to tell people how i felt instead they can see it.

Anyways this is what happened.
So May went and tried to solve her problem and i went to solve mine.

Eventually i just had really akward, weird and what should i do meetings with parsley monster. I was going to tell him though on my last day. I even thought of what to say Here it goes,

Parsley monster, i like you. Way more than you know. I mean i don't expect anything or even A responds but just hear me out cause I'm leaving and this would just bug me if i didn't get this over with. Anyways, i like you because people don't hate you they just don't understand you.. I like you alot because it's okay to be awkward with you cause you make the awkwardness funny. The fact i don't feel silly talking to you about the silliest things. The fact that i think except for may i don't think anyone else would be able to understand my obsession over the stupidest things. The way your cheeks turns red when you smile or the fact you open my eyes to soo many thnigs. The way you say the most cliche things but it's soo sweet. And instead of just understanding, you'll actually try to relate. There's more but it's just silly to point out everything. Basically, i don't like you just because your different or special. I like you don't pretend and if we lit this fire, we will burn the whole world down.

Yes, not only was i soo confident that i was going to tell him how i felt i was sooo confidence that i wrote a speech. Well, that didn't happen. And i chicken out. Yeah, i'm really bummed!

Okay so you might be wondering. If you really didn't expect anything why didn't you just tell him. Well, there's simple answers to that. Firstly, not is he in a relationship but the image of me being given the what the hell are you doing Debra face is just too morbid to even imagine. Secondly, i fucking time myself each time i look at him so that i don't look like i'm staring and act so obvious that i like him so this would be like me running before i even tried walking. Thirdly, i just had no balls.

I NEEDED TO GROW BALLS. Lastly,
because if he told me he was just playing about before or if this was some kind of joke and that everything he said before was meaningless I would just be sooo ACHING
.
Like any normal third party in this scenario you'll be like "but he's in a relationship " and "what a bitch". And yeah, i might have gotten a few not so friendly smileys when i told a few of my friends. I even felt like a bitch. But i was so absorb i didn't really care. I was living in this bubble. The scariest part was it was how it was. For me though. I dunno him. Maybe it's just me. Maybe i'm the one thinking too much about it. And maybe he was just playing at which point if he really was playing i have a whole other speech for him :p containing not so nice words . Whatever it is.
For me to really get over this whole PARSLEY MONSTER sheep goat dog taco tard thing.
is to ease my mind of this

"how much longer are you going to be like this? so cold?" - Wise friend
"Debra, just tell him how you feel. What do you have to lose? " - May
I answered my face.

Hmmm...

I might have been that girl who use to watch other girls cry because of how hurt they are cause they got rejected from the guy they like and be thinking I'm sure glad I'm not them. But I was just too much of a coward to ever express myself like them. They are the brave ones. And no it's not stupid to cry over things like this. Cause you know eventually you'll be alright but eventually is not now and you deserve a mourning period.

I guess with Parsley Monster it's like yeah I'll meet other people and other guys. i know i would. But it scares me to know that i might not find someone who actually thinks the way Parsley monster does. Because with him, it's not the way he acts, looks or do things. It's the way he thinks.

That's why it's hard

There's always going to be other Mr X,Y and Z. But i don't know Parsley Monster

I might sound like a cliche girl in crushing, infatuation mode. But i really don't care. And some people might know who I'm talking about and gosh think it's stupid. I mean yeah, even i do. But i don't really care. Basically, to everyone out there thinking or trying to figure if they should or not tell the person they have intense feeling of like with how they feel to just DO IT. Don't let the fear take over. The worst feeling to have is when you knew you could have done something but you didn't and all you have is this feeling of wondering and just thinking about what if. A broken heart will eventually mend, but a heart filled with regret will always stay and won't soon go away. So what if the situation is complicated. The other person might be fresh from a break up or hasn't broken up. Maybe you know that even if you did tell that person it wouldn't change anything but screw the situation. You owe it to yourself to tell them. All you can do is put yourself out there and hope that the other person will come out with you. The reason i love Shakespear is not only because he portrayed love as something to suffer for or for man to fight for. It's because he portrayed love as something so magical and beautiful that even with tragic endings , you felt their happiness.

Margaret Mitchell
I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

Much love,
debra