2011

HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS EVERYONE!

2011

It's been a while i know but yo know what ... The past is the past and now it's 2011 bitches :)

My new years is going as expected. Social gatherings, the fake smile you have to hold when greeting people that you either have no idea who they are or you just don't like them. I however manage to sneak up with a bottle of vodka and drink myself silly but before that blog.

Oh how 2010 has changed me. Friendships made, lost and some stayed the same. Hearts broken, fixed then normal again. What that year has brought me and taught me are worth the pains, troubles and despair.

Although i am not spending new years the way i always do that is to get shitless drunk and not remembering nor do i wanna remember the damage done the night before with my dear BFFL(best friends for life) Darwina Dawood i am content with family time and this. :) Maybe it''s age (i just turned 19) or the fact that the loud music in clubs has lost its magic or magnetic pull on me like almost a year ago.

I won't say that if i could i wouldn't want to spend new years with my friends. Well, mostly just Dar, May and Azma. I wish they were all here with me. this year I'll try to be more foward with my feelings. In general.

This I can admit in the security and comfort of my own blog cause i assume no one i want not reading this to read this.

LOL.

I have realise that if i don't put myself out there, then i'm losing out on things that i could be enjoying. Not just feelings wise but also in just things in general.

That would be one of my resolution. The other is to STOP this messed up thing that i do and get myself in this situation where I'm just this bad person. So yeah. No more. Karma is a bitch and I'm feeling it already.

If i was to wish for the perfect guy it would be Brandon Boyd. I swear reading his interviews, his mind is so amazing. Unexplainable. Screw the way he looks( he is very good looking btw) even if he looked like a hobo, i would still be soo at awe. His views on life, art, music , religion. If i could just sit and talk to this man i would be eternally greatfull. I mean his lyrics are so allusive , concise and consequential,.... i just want to pick his brain. I know i sound like i'm talking about this great philosopher but i can't help it. Yeah i know, he might be a shallow asshole for all i know but common. A guy who thinks the way he does has my heart.

i don't want a Brad Pitt. I want a Shakespeare.

Okay so yeah. Maybe my dating record hasn't been the most normal. And yes there is a pattern in the type of guys i fall for. Christine says it too. Btw you don't even want to know the hell she put me through when i was with her. This is what she said to me " Debra. You have a problem. This are the characteristic you look for in a guy. Melancholic , tormented, depressed and above all that they are so intense. It's like tortured love"... I'm like "What the hell is that suppose to mean?" Christine " Umm... Seriously, it's like you need this sense of emotional torment to survive... Weirdly, you embrace it. You guys get so intense like it's the one. and things end and they get all psycho"

So yeah maybe there has been a few weird stuff that happened . Like major psycho stalking that just freaked me out and the full blown over exaggerated expression of love (Yeah, i know it sound really sweet. But at 16 , you freak out and dude. That was really freaky)...

I hate Christine number one because she's like my relationship shrink okay. I just cannot escape her.

Anyways, i doubt Brandon Boyd is that Intense. So progress has been made :) . Hahahahah... I mean i can always change :)

This would probably be the last time Christine be bugging me with all this. I swear i woke up on my bday praying that she would lose my number.... And no way whatsoever be able to contact me.

Didn't happen.

I'm probly brave enough to post this because when your intoxicated to the degree i am now, well lets just say if this was public i would have embarrassed myself in soo many ways already,

triple love to you guys,

<3

It's craaaazy how life can turn 360 in a day.

I just finished packing for KK tomorrow. This year we're spending christmas there. Super! -_- I am of course being sacrcastic but it's not like it's any better spending christmas here due to some recent unfortunate events that had occured while me and my family were away. Boy, life sometimes just smacks you in the face. KK is great and all but then soo much cousins, auntieas and uncle. I mean i am okay with some.. It's the others that is soo totally akward....

I'm turning 19 in 4 more days :) yay!
I told my Dad this year I just want dinner and a trip to the zoo or movie....
No big gatherings

Lol..I don't think I'll be doing anything .I know the movie thing isn't happening .I think I've only been to the theater once with my dad to watch Pearl Harbour,That was first trip to the movies

Oh happy days :D

A few days ago

<Purple is what I said and blue is what she said >

I up with a friend that i haven't seen in yearss.... She was in town for abit... She said that I'm all kinds of complicated.
She has always been super observant especially with me so i guess she noticed that when we were walking around in the mall that she was the only one checking out boys . We sat in Starbucks and she asked me " Is it because you have a boyfriens?" I was like "huh??" with that what are you going on about women face...... " I usually have to practically repeat myself a million times before you get me cause your always busy oogling" .. I laughed and told her no it's not cause of that and i'm just not into oogling anymore. And being the friend that she is she decides to go all psychology on me... She knows how hard it is for me to open up.

She always said that I present myself like an open book but then the pages are all filled with gibberish cause turns out that book was wrong and there's actually another book hidden somewhere. She gets soo worried about me. So after filling her in on my 18 months of my personal life in college she freaked and said that I needed to be comitted and it must be with a normal guy. Which then she added " you know.. I know alot of normal guys".... Pfft I'm not going down that road mister.... I told her that even so I'll probably screw it up cause he wouldn't understand how i work... Boy! Was that a mistake.. Cause she gave me a lecture about how i expect too much from someone and how is someone suppose to understand you when you don't let anyone in.. Here's the part that was like a slap on my face " not everyone is like your ex Debra" ... When she said that my face just changed.. What the hell was that foor?? .. So to shut her up and not get another lecture about how I have opening up issues and how every guy is not my ex i told her I'll try ... "Okay. That's all i wanted to hear.."

I thought that was the end untill she asked me if I'm crushing on someone...
This was how the convo went

me >"huh? Seriously?"....
Her >" I just wanna know Debra... We've been apart for soo long" .... "
me >"I don't know.. I guess maybe".
Her > "How do you not know? I'm taking that as a yes"
me > "okay okay... Geeeezz.... Yes..."
Her > "Soo what's going on there"
me > " Nothing la... War and Peace ( That's our codeword) .. Plus I'm happy just aimlessly drifting"
Her > "You've been aimlessly drifting for years now ". \
me > "I told you i'll try now.. What do you want me to do? Date the next guy that comes around"
Her > "No, but don't expect to meet the young version of Edward Furlong , you know how you always expecting people to be deep"

Now by this time i was screaming in my head cause she just won''t drop it. Why i remember this convo so vividly you may ask?

CAUSE SHE only like REPEATED THE QUESTIONS A MILLION TIMES!

me > " I don't expect that. It's just hate stupid shallow questions. And i don't have opening u problems. I answer when they ask, they just don't ask the right questions. Okay I'll keep my options open. Happy?"
Her > " Ohh Debra.. Why can't you be boring... I swear your fear of being the same will be the end of you"

Then that was the end of that. I then diverted the topic to her. Turns out she the same old Christina i knew back then. This is why she's giving me sooo much heat. She's the kind that never stays single. Yeah, today she's in love with bob. Then bob breaks up, cry cry cry tomorrow there's tim. She's so in love with tim now... I guess i don't blame her.. She just doesn't get how i tick even back then .... But minus the boy talk i really did miss her. She was always so fun to chill with... She so craazy :P hahaha.. After coffee we said our goodbyes and decide we should do this more often. I said yeah... Just call me when your in town again :) I meant it of course...
On a much lighter note.

I went out with my parents yesterday and i swear that they're sooo funny .. I couldn't stop laughing.... It felt like i was in one of those movies because the way they were talking to each other was soo funny... Every line was said at precisely the right moment. Perfect comedic timing.

HHAHAHAAH

We went and shop for presents.... It was all and all a very happy day.... Cause it was all family :)
I think my dad is sick of me :) ahhahaahahaha......


much love

Dex

It's been a while since I blog.

Life has pretty much been a huge roller coaster ride for me lately. But I'm glad things are toning down and hopefully I'll be in a saner place soon cause it seems like my mind is my worst enemy now.

I just want some peace up there.

Today I went to Genting with the fam :) It was funner than expected.

My moods have been really messed up. I think right now I just need to sit in a corner with my Ipod and just blank out for abit. I've been walking around daydreaming, as in while I'm walking my mind is dreaming about something else. That means that I'm distracting myself from thinking about something or someone. It's a really bad habit, I'd space all the time even when I'm talking to someone and I do it everywhere regardless of the amount of people present. It's really unhealthy. I need to deal with reality.
Besides the Genting trip something super extra ordinary happened today.

Dex called.

Dex was this guy i had a major crush on back on the day. He was the typical guy I'd fall for. Melancholic, a lil bit akward, tortured and undefinable. He also plays the guitar. He had eyes that could I swear melted you when he look at you. It was this bluish greyish colour that was so defined cause he dyed his hair a darker colour than what he naturally had. Whenever I talk to him before I just couldn't look at him in the eye because I knew I would panic or stutter , so I'd avoid any or all eye contact with him. Finally one day, he came up to me and asked me " so are u always so akward when you talk to people or only just me?". I was stunt . He just laughed. So we became friends and I discovered he had a major awesome cd collection so I'd go over and listen to them and just chill. I think he was one of the only people that could ever get how i think and understand what i mean about things. I eventually got over my crush cause we were just too close

Anyways, the reason why him calling was such an extra ordinary event was because what happened the last time we meet up to hang. I was on my sem break and was back home. I was over at his place catching up with him.... Well, actually i was just ranting about how dramatic college was for me. He just listened. Then he said "I guess this is where the alcohol comes in" and he brought out the bottles. His friends came over and we started playing drinking games and then started to challenge each other to take shots. I woke up the next day with a major headache and a blank mind. The first thing out of my mouth was "SHIT!"... I was trying to remember what happened but then all I could remember was laughing at Dex and calling him lame. He was asleep beside me. He was like dead. So I went to the kitchen to get water and racking my brain trying to remember. Then like a burst of lighting, it hit me. I suddenly remembered something..... At that point all I could say was shit shit shit.... Why!....
I'm an akward person by nature.

When he woke up, I couldn't even look at him. I just watch tv. I of course tried my best to act normal but failed. I couldn't talk to him. So there was just silence. Finally, I guess he got pissed and he came up to me and said "only talk to me when your ready to talk about it".. After that i went home cause I was angry at the fact he said that and why should i start the topic. I know i have major ego issues. I don't really open up much..... Yeah so pretty much after that I avoided him...

When he called i didn't know if I should pick up. But i decided to suck it up and just pick up. We talked for like hours. And then he asked to meet up... I of course dying to see those eyes of his said yes.Then we joked about how I'd make things akward .... Before putting down the phone he said " I think you've had enough time to get ready"... I panic and put down the phone.

Smart move Debra

Ahhhh.. Just bite me already. Yeah so that's pretty much it. I now have to text him sorry for putting down the phone on you which I've typed out but haven't sent.

I really do alot of embarrassing things in my life but this is on the top of my most embarrassing moment list