Love and all it's tragedies

I know it's been a while since i updated.

I am such a coward!

This is what has been happening lately.

Well, i went to KL for a week and just got back two days ago.

Why?

Because 1st I was completely head over heels for this guy. We will name him parsley monster . 2nd > May just got over a breakup and Azma's burd day was coming. 3rd to meet Suraj :)

We had like a goal for each of us . Her's was to end things (like really really really end) with the ex. Mine was to tell parsley monster how i felt. This would have been easy if i was as forthcoming as i am with my feelings as may or if may was not forthcoming with her feeling like me. It is really really hard for me to open up with this things. I know people see me and they think ahhh open book. I sometimes wish i was so i don't have to tell people how i felt instead they can see it.

Anyways this is what happened.
So May went and tried to solve her problem and i went to solve mine.

Eventually i just had really akward, weird and what should i do meetings with parsley monster. I was going to tell him though on my last day. I even thought of what to say Here it goes,

Parsley monster, i like you. Way more than you know. I mean i don't expect anything or even A responds but just hear me out cause I'm leaving and this would just bug me if i didn't get this over with. Anyways, i like you because people don't hate you they just don't understand you.. I like you alot because it's okay to be awkward with you cause you make the awkwardness funny. The fact i don't feel silly talking to you about the silliest things. The fact that i think except for may i don't think anyone else would be able to understand my obsession over the stupidest things. The way your cheeks turns red when you smile or the fact you open my eyes to soo many thnigs. The way you say the most cliche things but it's soo sweet. And instead of just understanding, you'll actually try to relate. There's more but it's just silly to point out everything. Basically, i don't like you just because your different or special. I like you don't pretend and if we lit this fire, we will burn the whole world down.

Yes, not only was i soo confident that i was going to tell him how i felt i was sooo confidence that i wrote a speech. Well, that didn't happen. And i chicken out. Yeah, i'm really bummed!

Okay so you might be wondering. If you really didn't expect anything why didn't you just tell him. Well, there's simple answers to that. Firstly, not is he in a relationship but the image of me being given the what the hell are you doing Debra face is just too morbid to even imagine. Secondly, i fucking time myself each time i look at him so that i don't look like i'm staring and act so obvious that i like him so this would be like me running before i even tried walking. Thirdly, i just had no balls.

I NEEDED TO GROW BALLS. Lastly,
because if he told me he was just playing about before or if this was some kind of joke and that everything he said before was meaningless I would just be sooo ACHING
.
Like any normal third party in this scenario you'll be like "but he's in a relationship " and "what a bitch". And yeah, i might have gotten a few not so friendly smileys when i told a few of my friends. I even felt like a bitch. But i was so absorb i didn't really care. I was living in this bubble. The scariest part was it was how it was. For me though. I dunno him. Maybe it's just me. Maybe i'm the one thinking too much about it. And maybe he was just playing at which point if he really was playing i have a whole other speech for him :p containing not so nice words . Whatever it is.
For me to really get over this whole PARSLEY MONSTER sheep goat dog taco tard thing.
is to ease my mind of this

"how much longer are you going to be like this? so cold?" - Wise friend
"Debra, just tell him how you feel. What do you have to lose? " - May
I answered my face.

Hmmm...

I might have been that girl who use to watch other girls cry because of how hurt they are cause they got rejected from the guy they like and be thinking I'm sure glad I'm not them. But I was just too much of a coward to ever express myself like them. They are the brave ones. And no it's not stupid to cry over things like this. Cause you know eventually you'll be alright but eventually is not now and you deserve a mourning period.

I guess with Parsley Monster it's like yeah I'll meet other people and other guys. i know i would. But it scares me to know that i might not find someone who actually thinks the way Parsley monster does. Because with him, it's not the way he acts, looks or do things. It's the way he thinks.

That's why it's hard

There's always going to be other Mr X,Y and Z. But i don't know Parsley Monster

I might sound like a cliche girl in crushing, infatuation mode. But i really don't care. And some people might know who I'm talking about and gosh think it's stupid. I mean yeah, even i do. But i don't really care. Basically, to everyone out there thinking or trying to figure if they should or not tell the person they have intense feeling of like with how they feel to just DO IT. Don't let the fear take over. The worst feeling to have is when you knew you could have done something but you didn't and all you have is this feeling of wondering and just thinking about what if. A broken heart will eventually mend, but a heart filled with regret will always stay and won't soon go away. So what if the situation is complicated. The other person might be fresh from a break up or hasn't broken up. Maybe you know that even if you did tell that person it wouldn't change anything but screw the situation. You owe it to yourself to tell them. All you can do is put yourself out there and hope that the other person will come out with you. The reason i love Shakespear is not only because he portrayed love as something to suffer for or for man to fight for. It's because he portrayed love as something so magical and beautiful that even with tragic endings , you felt their happiness.

Margaret Mitchell
I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

Much love,
debra